What it would feel like to give birth through your foot

So, the other night I was sitting on my couch and I felt this creeping pain in my foot. I looked down and the second-to-last toe (right next to the little piggy) is in a weird position - like if I were to spread all my toes out. I had a toe cramp. I could not will my toe back into its normal position. Have you ever had a toe cramp? It hurts like hell. And I couldn't quite figure out how to massage it out. Speaking of giving birth, here's a shout out to AB and Baby Barraza. I hope you had lots of drugs, AB. And I can totally sympathize with whatever pain you were going through. You know, because I had a toe cramp and that hurt. A lot.

Speaking of toes, the evil company with cartoon internet ads and television commercials for its toe fungus stuff should really just stop. The idea of toenail infections is gross enough. I don't need the animated version.

And, despite the fact that I'm still a little lonely, I have discovered one benefit of living alone. When I know I will want to drink a lot of juice, like more than one glass, and don't feel like constantly getting up to get more juice, I can just bring the carton into the living room and drink straight from it. It's pretty awesome. As is my life. It's the little things.